Grief is an interesting thing. It affects me in different ways at different times, so I am never prepared for it or my reaction. I wonder how many more types of grief or the many reactions I may have...
Waves. Sometimes grief hits me in waves - I literally can feel it roll over my body, just like being in the ocean when a wave of water comes over you, and I become very sad and scared - almost like being homesick when I was young.
Rollercoaster. It's the only way to describe the ebb and flow of feelings that I get when this type of grief hits me. I'm ecstatically happy and then my emotions drop so suddenly almost to a deep sadness or depression. Typically, I will be very social or excitable with someone and then I will turn around and snap at the same person, then the emotions level out again.
Controlling. The grief doesn't control me, but somehow I need to control things in order for the grief not to control me. Here's an example: When we got home Sunday, I went into a cleaning frenzy. My husband kept telling me to sit down and rest, but I just couldn't. I had to keep cleaning. Finally, he came up to hug me and just held me. He asked me to please sit down and stop it. I responded that I clean because it's one thing I can control. I haven't been able to control my many other circumstances lately.
Overwhelmed. This type of grief hit me a lot during the visitation and funeral service. It was always brought on by someone who came to the event that I was not expecting - and it was overwhelming. And so much so, that I would break down and sob. It may have been an old friend, or someone who traveled from the Des Moines area - like a best friend or someone from school or my church.
The experiences are so new, so unexpected that for a brief moment, I think that I must be going crazy. Then I realize that I'm not alone - I'm not the only one to experience grief; I'm not the only one who has lost a father...and then somehow in those thoughts...I am comforted.
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