I Second That Emotion

I did something after my last blogpost that I think I can finally admit to now.  No, it wasn't an illegal act or even immoral one (get your mind out of the gutter, people...), but it was life-changing for me.

You know what I did?  I cried.

Before you stop reading this and think 'what's new?' Yes, I know that I probably need to be in a 12-step program for Criers Anonymous. ("Hello, my name is Karla and I am a crier.")  I know that I cry at everything - happy things, sad things, mad things, you name it, I can produce tears like no one else. 

But this cry was different.  It was emotional AND physical.

I will spare you the trivial thing that happened to me to set me off (the proverbial 'straw that broke the camel's back' type thing), but it sent me into a rage I'm not sure I have ever experienced.  And then all hell broke loose.  I sobbed uncontrollably and I could feel the sadness and anger double me over - right in my gut.  My muscles tensed all over and my body reacted like it does when you vomit.  Except I wailed - oh, how I wailed!  And I produced an incredible amount of tears (like drown a small animal, lots of tears) - and honestly, I'm not sure what was in those tears, but they made my eyes burn as I cried them.

And along with those tears flowed anger, rage, sadness, frustration and guilt.  All the pent up emotion, all the swallowed sorrow, all the regrets and remorse flowed from me as if a dam had burst releasing the surging river to consume the land downstream.

I cried like this for the better of 30 minutes.  Non stop. And then I had a dreamless sleep.  It was the first night in a long time.

The days since then have been easier, the sun seems to shine a little bit brighter and I'm thankful for the daily routines that once bogged me down.  While I know there are still sad moments to encounter and the tears will not stop for me, I feel that I've walked through the valley and the terrifying darkness is over.  I'm walking a new path now, one of healing and peace.