Lost in the Fog

If you've ever seen the movie Gone With the Wind, you are familiar with Scarlett's recurring dream where she is lost in a fog and frightened because she can't find her way.  Her dream actually comes true as she's running home to Rhett in the fog: lost, scared and alone.  (Then he leaves her with his famous line!)

I feel like that.  I've been running in a fog this week.

Scientifically, fog is just a low lying cloud when the dew point meets or exceeds the air temperature.  Emotionally, my grief/tears (dew point) is meeting or exceeding my ability to deal with my reality/existence (air temperature).  It's created a fog in my head.

Granted, some days are better than others, but it's causing me to forget things.  I've started every class with "Remind me what we did last time we met..."  Let me caveat that with the fact that I see my students every other day, (but still...).  I went to meetings this week not knowing what the meetings were about and just kind of muddled through.  I drive places and can't recall having been there.  I walk through the halls with this look about me.  I can't describe the look, but the way people look at me and react to me, I know that I must have a different look to me.  I'm having trouble remembering names.  I'm misplacing things.

Ok, I'll admit...I turn 45 at the end of this month, so the forgetfulness may just be me just getting to middle age.  It may be that I'm overscheduled and running kids around.  It may be that I'm "mom" and "dad" this week because my husband is working late every night on a job.

But I don't think so...because in the midst of this fog...this forgetfulness...I also feel lost and frightened. 

And soon, people's patience with me and my grief will wane and their response to my fog and forgetfulness may be, "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn."