Things that make you go Wednesday, Thursday, Friday.

Twitter post this morning from @Education Week:  At 'Exemplary' Dallas School, 3rd-graders learned only math and reading http://t.co/9yYINgnt

Very short synopsis:  3rd graders only learned math and reading - scored above proficiency on state tests.  School found to be exemplary.  Reported grades for all other subjects (science, social studies, music, art, etc.) were fabricated on report cards.  Principal on administrative leave during investigation.

As I read this article (or what I could read of it, since I don't subscribe to the site, my version was shortened), here were the questions going through my head:

1.  Testing is making us so crazy, we're willing to cheat to get the results.  If we do that as adults and professionals, why do we lamblast our students when they're backed into a corner and feel they need to do the same?  What is wrong with our grading systems that people feel the need to cheat?

2.  Does it really take an all day, all year focus on just math and reading to pass these tests - to make us "exemplary"?  How are we expected to get students to proficiency when we get 41 minutes per subject a day for 180 days?  Is it the testing or the learning methods?  What REALLY is the root cause here?

3.  Why is the left hand not talking to the right?  Why can't we figure this out?  Why can't we really know if we're proficient in something?

4.  WHO gets final say on learning and proficiency?  The student?  The parents?  The teachers?  The government?  The employer?

Things that make you go 'hmmm', 'huh' and 'what the hell is going on here'?

Day 20: Describe yourself during your first year of teaching and discuss how you've grown.

I almost laughed out loud when I read the title of this blog day.  I have to say that I am so thankful that I was 40 years old when I experienced my first year of teaching instead of 23 when I was just fresh out of college and student teaching.  I don't think I would have survived if I started at 23.  Honestly...

I've never been in a job where you are expected to know (almost) everything there is to know about the job in the first year.  Welcome to teaching.

My first year can be summed up in one word...survival.  Thank goodness the State of Iowa requires first/second year teachers to have a mentor.  I think I would have survived my first year without a mentor, but because of my mentor, I had a very successful first year. 

My first year of teaching, I was very lucky to have had 1st period as my plan period.  My mentor was a science teacher (like me) and so I would go to his room, watch him teach the lesson for that day, write down key notes and then go back to my room and teach it exactly how I had watched him teach it.

Over the course of the year, of course, I found my own style and started building my confidence and in my second year, I found my voice and started contributing to curriculum and lesson changes.  I also started working with grading changes.  My third year, I found that I was leading our PLCs, being more vocal on curricular changes and being a part of district curriculum meetings.  During that third year, I went back to school myself and added an endorsement.

For my fourth year, I switched curricular areas and restructured the curriculum based on expert research from Wormeli, O'Connor and the DuFours.  I started mentoring a first year teacher (science) and volunteered for more leadership committes in my building.  I continued working on yet another endorsement.

I am currently in my fifth year of teaching - still mentoring, still contributing to curriculum and I am co-coaching the Advisory program in our building.  

The growth has been amazing - the found confidence, the new experiences and the new learnings right along side my students.  I can't wait to see what the next five years will bring!

Just a Spoonful of Sugar Helps the Grief Go Down...

You know, people told me that I would have moments of sadness about my dad.  I believed them, but I don't know when I was expecting those moments would happen.

Well, ok, I thought that it would be when I looked at a picture of him or when a particular holiday or birthday was approaching - something very pointed and sentimental.  I'm finding this is not the case.  In fact, when those pointed, sentimental opportunities come along and I find myself saying to myself, "I wish Dad was here - or he's missing this event" only to be reminded that he's probably not - just watching from a different dimension, and I find that I am not sad at all, much to my amazement.

Grief hits when I least expect it to from very unsentimental sources - or so I think and it hits me fast and hard.  Here is a classic example that just happened a couple of days ago:

I'm folding laundry in the bedroom and channel-surfing to find something to watch while I fold.  I land on the movie "Mary Poppins" because that's what you do when there's nothing else on TV.  (Besides I love the movie.)  Anyway, all in an instant, I'm taken back to when I was 6 or 7 years old and Dad took me to the Plaza Theater in Cedar Rapids to see "Mary Poppins" for the first time (it had been re-released in theaters).  I remember after the first showing of the movie I begged him to sit through the second showing (back when you could do that...) and he said that was ok.  Granted, he slept through the second one!  I remember being so excited and the movie was so AWESOME and we got to see it twice!  The memory still so vivid 39 years later and I realized in that instant that I hadn't thought about it in years.

All of this took place in about a second.  And as soon as I remembered, the tears flowed and continued to roll as I continued to fold.  And I couldn't turn the movie because I didn't want to lose the memory and just when the movie was over and the channel was turned, the tears and the grief vanished.

That's the crazy thing about grief - it's here in a moment and then it's gone.  It's like popping through a chalk painting or snapping your fingers or a change in the wind.

Day 19: How would your coworkers describe you?

I have no idea.

I'm sure some like me, some don't.
Some think I'm a good teacher, some don't.
Some think I'm funny, some don't.
Some think I leave too early, some don't.
Some think I don't have as much to do as they do, some don't.
Some think I teach the 'right' way, some don't.
Some think I am overbearing and bossy, some don't.
Some think I should be back in the corporate world, some don't.
Some think I am too easy on kids, some don't.
Some think I teach a curriculum that is 'fluff', some don't.

What do you think?

Day 18: What about education frustrates you the most?

There are three groups of people that surround and impact the area of education which frustrate me.  I don't feel that these frustrations are big enough for me to actually leave the profession because at the end of the day, I truly love what I do.  But since the question was asked, I am going to answer.  And those who know me well, that when I am asked a question, I usually have an opinion.

Disclaimer:  Please remember, these are my observations.  These are only my observations.  I am not attempting to solve any problems or make statements about a group of people or political party.  Got it?

1.  Government and Legislators.  I know that public education is BIG.  The organization is huge and it's been around for a long time - and will continue to exist long after I'm done.  What frustrates me the most about this group is that we have people making decisions at such a high level, they don't or can't possibly understand how the decisions impact the classroom level.  What sounds good on paper and from that high level, absolutely makes no sense at the local or classroom level or even from an individual student level - and furthermore, we have people making decisions that have never set foot in a classroom or taught kids.  Our legislators and government officials need to come teach for awhile to get a clue...and not in just one classroom.  

2.  Parents.  I am a parent.  I have two kids - one at the high school level who has struggled in school almost his entire school career.  I have another at the middle school level - who has breezed through school - it has come very easy for her.  They attend school in the district that I teach in, so my colleagues are their teachers.  For the most part, I love the parents of my students and they are very supportive parents.  I live in the district that I teach in and I am friends with a lot of my students' parents/guardians.  So that's my caveat to what I'm about to say...

Parents sometimes drive me nuts because they automatically assume that 1) I am out to get their student or I don't care about their student or worse, I hate their student; 2) their student walks on water (in other words, they can't possibly be less than perfect - academically or behaviorally); and 3) I have no idea what I'm doing because that's not the way they were taught in school.

Please know this:  I love all my students (even those you may not think are deserving or worthy of love) - I love those kids even more; I have high expectation of kids academically and behaviorally, keeping in mind that they are KIDS and they are where they are at developmentally (and knowing that they are not perfect all the time: we all have bad days) and I teach the way I do because of research and where your kids are at developmentally.  I wouldn't expect the classroom to look or feel as it did 25-30 years ago.  Would you expect your doctor to use the same instruments to diagnose you as when you were little?

3.  The General Public.  Agent K in the movie "Men in Black" states, "A person is smart. People are dumb, panicky dangerous animals and you know it. Fifteen hundred years ago everybody knew the Earth was the center of the universe. Five hundred years ago, everybody knew the Earth was flat, and fifteen minutes ago, you knew that humans were alone on this planet. Imagine what you'll know tomorrow."  And this leads to my point - individually, most people appreciate teachers and education, but as a group - the general public, whether it is at a district level, state level or nationwide: lamblast, berate, hate, criticize, deride, abuse (insert negative adjective here) teachers.  While I love being a teacher and I'm proud to be a teacher, there are days when I want to know what in the heck happened to the opinion of teachers over the years?  

Many of you know that I was in the private sector for 17 years before I began teaching.  I have never worked so hard (physically and mentally) as when I became a teacher.  My salary was cut in half when I moved to education.  In order to afford healthcare for my family, we have an outside health plan which is utilizes a health savings account.  My family does not benefit from my schools' health plan - so the taxpayers do not pay for it (and it's so expensive, my family cannot afford it). If you think I sit around all summer eating bon bons, I don't.  I have curriculum to rewrite and improve, I take classes for continuing ed to stay licensed, and I spend $200 - $400 of my own money to outfit my classroom and what it needs every year.

Again, walk a mile in my shoes and come teach for awhile.

Did I really just say all that?

And now it sounds like I'm just complaining - which I don't mean to do - so I'm going to stop.  :)

Make it a great day everyone!

Day 17: What is the most important thing you have learned in school?

I'm going to answer this in two parts.

#1: The most important thing I learned in school from PreK - 12th grade is - never stop learning.


#2: The most important thing I learned in school as a teacher is - it's all about what's best for kids and not about the adults (meaning teachers, parents, administrators, school board, politicians).

Day 16: What is your biggest regret as an educator?

I have three...

1.  Not majoring in a subject that I love (music or English).  I like science, but it's not what I love.
2.  With #1 said, because I am certified in Chemistry, Biology and Earth Science, I wished I would have just sucked it up and got my last 4 credits in Physics, so I can be certified in that too.  (Actually, I'm looking in to getting this, so this may go off my list).

And #3...and the biggest...
I wished I wouldn't have waited so long to try and get a teaching job.  For some reason, I thought since I didn't get a teaching job right out of college, no one would want me.  It took me until I was in my late 30's to realize I still had lots to offer a school and students...and until I was unemployed at 39, actually started to apply for teaching jobs again.

Day 15: How would you describe yourself as a person and as a teacher?

First of all, I have to say that I'M HALFWAY DONE answering the questions in this challenge!  :)

I understand this question to be: What are the common traits about me as a person and as a teacher?

I want to do what's best (for kids, for my family, for me).
I love wholeheartedly (even the kids that are hard to love)
I love to have fun (in the classroom, with my co-workers and especially outside of work)
I expect a lot (from my students, from my husband and from my kids)
I am very hard on myself (I set the expectation bar high for me in all areas of my life - except maybe housework :)  )

Day 10: Describe your ideal administrator.

Oooh...this could be tough, since my present and past administrators may read this post.  I'll tread carefully and comment in general and not make any references.  :)  Yeah, who am I kidding?!?!

But seriously... I have been in the workforce for over 22 years.  Granted, only four of these are in teaching, but I equate a manager or supervisor equal to an administrator.  And with all of this experience, I certainly have learned what I appreciate in a person who is supervising me.

So, in the spirit of David Letterman, I have created my own top-10 list...

10.  If you know the DiSC profile, I prefer to work for a D.  (FYI - I am an "I")

9.  If you know Ken Blanchard and Situational Leadership, I prefer a servant leader.  I also prefer a flexible management style; one who can manage me according to my ability with a task, policy or concept.

8.  I need a leader who can provide big-picture structure and flexibility with the details.

7.  I need a leader who can remove obstacles (metaphorically) and then get out of my way and let me get the work done.

6.  I need a leader support me and the decisions I make... and when I do something that is wrong, give me the support and tools I need to see and understand what I did.

5.  I need a leader who has the "stuff" to give me bad news and give me the time to process it.  (Story...I worked for a manager once who bought our team two rounds of drinks (our team was traveling on assignment) and then decided to tell me after he'd been drinking that I wasn't getting promoted.  Inappropriate!)

4.  I want a leader that knows I have a personal life outside of work and who will share their personal life outside of work with the staff/team.

3.  I want a leader who isn't a mean person (read: snarky, bitchy, plays favorites blatantly, intentionally degrades or derides people, accuses without evidence, fakes enthusiasm, lies, is nonethical and has no shred of integrity). (And believe me, I have worked for people who fit all of those descriptions...)

2.  I need a leader who uses appropriate tone, voice and use of words.  (Story...worked for a person that used the "F-bomb" every other sentence.)

1.  I need a leader who appreciates my quirkiness and allows me to be me.

Any "perfect" administrator out there?!?!?!?!

Day 7: How can you best promote responsibility in your students?

I had to skip over this day for awhile.  I really struggled with the question because I am a firm believer that students don't learn things in a timeline with due dates...and yet, the only answer I could come up with for this question was:

Responsibility = turning in assignments on the assigned due date.

Frankly, I don't care WHEN students hand in assignments - as long as they can demonstrate they learned and the assignment impacted them personally or changed the way they thought about something.  (I teach Careers...to clarify the content.)

I am finally able to get past this one answer.

Today was our second day of school in the new year.  A practice that I have done each year (and semester now, since I have new students each semester) is that I have my students come up with class norms - rules and behavior statements that we ALL abide by in the classroom.  They get to brainstorm in small groups and then we combine the small group list into one group.  I find ways to make these rules positive ("Use inside voices" instead of "Don't yell") and combine rules that are similar.  I type up the list (actually this year, I used Wordle!) and then the class votes on the norms and the list is posted.  If and when there is a possible infraction, I refer the student back to the list.  Most of the norms are around responsibility.  Here's a sampling of what was suggested this year:

1.  Bring supplies to class every day.
2.  Come prepared to learn.
3.  Push in chairs when you leave.
4.  Turn in assignments on time.
5.  Give 100% effort.
6.  Pick up after ourselves.

They know what responsibility is and what it looks like. 

My point here is simple...if students are told WHY and they are in AGREEMENT and best of all, THEY THOUGHT OF IT, then that's how you best promote responsibility in students.

Did I just really say that?  And why did it take me so LONG?  :)

Day 14: Who do you turn to for teaching advice and why?

Teaching is one of those professions that I don't know if you ever stop asking for advice.  You typically have some new situation each school year that you've never encountered before, regardless of how long you have been teaching - new students, new class numbers, new parents, new room, new curriculum, new administrators, new PLC, etc.  Because the situations are endless, I typically ask all sorts of people for advice on my teaching.  Depending on the situation or topic, I may ask more than one or two people.  Teaching is not the island that it once was.  If you aren't turning to someone for advice, you are making things way too hard!!

Here are some situations and who I would turn to...

1.  Students:  I turn to my PLC, ELP, ELL, SpEd teachers for academic situations; PLC, Deans or Administration for behavior situations (and depending...back to ELP, ELL, or SpEd).  I sometimes will turn to our Instructional Coach for advice.
2.  Parents:  PLC and/or Administration, and teachers who have communicated with parents before (previous year's teachers).  If there is a particular tough communication that needs to go out, I either role play the conversation or have an email proof-read.
3.  Curriculum: Instructional Coach, Curriculum Facilitator, ELP, ELL and SpEd teachers.

I also observe a lot - I may just pop into a classroom and just watch for awhile.  This may be for classroom management techniques for a group of kids or when I want to implement something another teacher is already doing and I want to see how it's working for them.  It may be for set up of a station or student work areas or how posters are hung on the walls.

I also turn to the 'experts' (read:  books) when I might struggle with a philosophy or to implement a philosophy that I believe in.  I turn mostly to Wormeli, O'Connor, and the DuFour's...and whatever my above colleagues recommend.

Sometimes I may ask a question to an unsuspecting friend (who is not a teacher) to seek advice from someone outside the profession.  It may sound like this:  "So if (your child)'s teacher did (this), what would be your opinion on it?  What would you need to know about (it) that would help you be more comfortable?"

What resources am I missing that you turn to?

Day 13: What helpful advice have you heard about dealing with parents?

I have heard these two over and over and over again:  Early and Often

Here are some other techniques that I use:

1.  Classroom newsletters for each unit.
2.  Wiki and Facebook class page
3.  All issues are communicated before Parent/Teacher Conferences - no surprises!
4.  As a parent, would I want to know about (the situation) regarding my child?

Again, I'd love to hear your suggestions!!

Day 12: What strategies do you use to keep up with grading?

I've not been teaching long (5 years), but I am on my second subject (moved from Science to Careers) and I've learned a lot about grading and how to grade and WHAT to grade in this time.

Here are my 'rules' for grading...

1.  Before you start, what is it that you're grading?  What skill/objective are you looking for? Just grade for that.
2.  Don't let it pile up.  Structure your due dates so that you don't have three hefty assignments coming in at once.  And in my classroom, I have suggested due dates, but I really take work at any time (and I have students re-do work all the time), so you want to stay on top of that.  Plus, I want to get it back to the student as soon as I can, so they can redo anything they need to.
3.  Because I allow re-dos, I grade in different color ink, so that I can keep track of what 'version' I am on with the student.
4.  If I'm giving feedback on a new skill or concept, I don't put a score on the assignment.  I used to do both and I found that students only focus on the score, ignore the feedback and ask questions that the feedback would have answered had they read it.
5.  Give only meaningful assignments, so you're not wasting your time grading fluff.
6.  Find different ways to assess skills/concepts, so you're not just grading paper.  Pull small groups or individuals and discuss/answer/question.

I'd love your comments, feedback and any other suggestions you have on grading!  I learn each year as I go!

Day 11: What do you think about the phrase: “Always teach like you are going to be observed?”

Duh.


'nuff said.

Day 9: What do you want out of the “Staff Room”?

Staff room = staff workroom

I would like to see:
1.  copiers (notice the 's' for multiple)
2.  printers
3.  staff supplies (post-its, pens, tape, staples, etc.)
4.  waist-high counters (when you stand) for working
5.  paper cutter
6. laminator (with a scissors!)
7. library for staff (professional development books to peruse and check out)
8.  forms required for building and district (if not available online)
9.  motivation posters (our particular staff workroom needs to be painted and there is very little on the walls!)
10.  a no-gossip, no-kvetching zone
11.  everyone is welcome - not just the teachers - admin, secretaries, associates, custodial staff, visitors
12.  especially this year (we've turned over a lot of staff...) pictures and bios of all staff.

That's it! (I think...)

Do the right thing...always.

Have you seen the commercial about Values?  The elderly dad is lying in a hospital bed (presumably, dying) and the daughter comes to visit.  It is apparent that this is the first she has seen her dad ill and as she is sitting by his bedside, she reminices about the things he has done for her (taught her to ride a bike, giving her away at her wedding, etc.). 

They play it a lot on several stations...and every time they do, I cry.  And I can't turn the TV channel...I have to watch it...everytime.  Now obviously, it reminds me of my dad (which is why I cry...duh), but this is not the reason for this post, because I believe that it has another message...

What goes around, comes around.

I am a believer in this concept. I have seen it happen many times, through generations.  People get what they give out.  The commercial is a good reminder to always to the right thing...not the right thing for YOU, but the right thing period.  This means letting go, losing, walking away, smiling when you feel like yelling, saying your sorry when it's not your fault.  It also means standing up for others, fighting when you feel like walking away, loving when you want to hate, having faith when hope is all lost.

So the next time you are watching the TV and you see this commercial, look for the deeper message.

Live the deeper message.  Do the right thing.

Day 8: How do you connect with your students?

I finally decided to skip Day 7...and move on to Day 8.  I will eventually answer Day 7's question, but for right now it's kicking my butt and I need to spend (all summer) more time thinking about it.

So, how do I connect with my students?  SENSE OF HUMOR!

I teach 8th grade.  If you know anything about 8th graders is that they know everything and adults know nothing.  As a parent, there is nothing more frustrating...as a teacher, there is nothing more FUN!  The reality of the situation is...8th graders want to give the impression that they know everything, but their dirty little secret is (and they fully know it) is that they are scared and insecure as all get out.

So to connect with these drama queens and kings takes a bit of sarcasm, a whole lot of laughter, a ton of love and a willingness to put yourself out there and look stupid a time or two.  And that is what I do.  I sing, cheer, dance, tell a joke or two - just to get a point across in class, or move them along in the hallway.  Whatever it takes.

Additionally to the above, I try very hard to get to know these kids outside of their school persona.  I want to know what their interests are, what they are involved in and how they operate outside of my classroom.  I also try to let them see that about me as well.  I am very fortunate that I also live in the community that I teach.  I go to church with many of my students.  I play piano and cantor for Mass - it's very interesting the reaction that I get from students (and parents) when they see me in a completely different area of life. 

We are who we teach!

Make it a great day!

Day 6: What have you observed of other teachers that might work in your own classroom?

Sorry, I've been slacking (read: I'm in summer mode) on this blog challenge.  To continue...

I love going into other classrooms and seeing what other teachers are doing.  I also ask other teachers what they are doing in their classrooms.  My motto is "Beg, Borrow and Steal; why recreate the wheel?"

Here's a smattering of items and ideas I have borrowed from other teachers:

• desk arrangements - how best to group for which lesson/activity you're doing
• wall organization - how to get the most out of the posters you've spent hard earned cash for
• lesson plans - from actual lessons to organization of those lessons
• how to turn in papers - student focused instead of teacher focused
• wiki ideas
• classroom management tools
• sub plans - how to organize, what information to include
• grading ideas - what gets graded, what doesn't get graded, how to provide good and meaningful feedback
• testing and assessment ideas
• organizing my own desk 

Learning from others is such an important step in teaching - why not continually improve in everything?

Oprah Obsession

I would call myself a fair-weather Oprah fan.

I have watched on and off over the 25 years (I was in college when she started with her show), but never religiously.  Typically, if the previews looked good, I'd start watching, but if the show didn't capture me or connect with me in the first 5 minutes, I turned the channel.  And in those 25 years, only two shows really stick out in my mind...

One...In 1987 (or thereabouts), she had a show where she wanted people to write in with their obsessions about sports figures.  My college roommate, Kim, had an ENORMOUS thing with KC Royals baseball player, George Brett.  Long story short, she got on the show and got to meet George. 

Two...in this season, when she reunited the cast of "The Sound of Music" last November - which is my all-time favorite movie and an obsession of mine.  I still have the episode TiVo'd and I do watch it occasionally.

So, intrigued with all the hoopla of her final episodes this week, I did sit down and watch her last show on Wednesday, May 25th.  It was a very nice show, entertaining, the messages were good, and I even wrote down a couple of quotes.  But, there was really just one thing that captured my attention throughout the entire show...

Her pink dress.

I loved it.  I wanted it.  I became obsessed with it.  I loved the color, the cut, the style, the funky sash...and I kept wondering if it was silk because she never sat down (I'm sure for fear of wrinkling it).  And I want one just like it.

Just as millions of fans are obsessed with Oprah, I am obsessed with that dress.




**And if anyone knows where I can find a dress like it (I'm sure I can't afford the designer dress) - let me know!! **





 

Day 5: How do you keep your classroom organized?

For starters, color is my friend.  Each class I teach is color coded (files, turn in bins, sticky notes, markers, etc.)

I received a label maker for Mother's Day a few years ago - wonderful for quick labels to files, filing cabinets, books, shoebox containers, cupboards...I know what's in it before I open it.

I have a bin, basket or container for most everything.  I have a separate bin for markers, colored pencils, glue sticks, rulers, calculators, note cards and activities I can use with my Advisory.  I have baskets for extra pencils, pens, bulletin board items and CDs.  I have a container in or on my desk for push pins, paper clips, sticky notes, note paper, etc.  If students need to use something in class, I have table containers where I 'measure' or place the items they will need on their tables.  This minimizes movement in my class.  (I have a very small classroom.)

My walls are spaced for different things - I have a certain area that is just for my Advisory.

I have a student area in my room where I keep extra paper, dictionaries, thesauruses, extra pens and pencils, kleenex...whatever they may need (or run out of)...this is an area where they do not need my permission to take - it is there for them if they need it.  In this area, I also have extra worksheets and a list of what we do each day in class, so a student can use this to reference what they have missed (and I'm not spending time in each class getting absent students caught up!).  Everything is there for them.

I am very fortunate that I have two very large whiteboards.  On my board in the back of my room is where I write down all assignments by unit (color coded, of course) and this stays up all semester.
On my front board, I have the daily schedule, date, month, and A/B day listed.

My desk has been at the front, but I'm going to move it to the back corner and more out of the way for next year.  (I was in a new room this year...so it's been a learning curve!)

What else do you want to know?  :)

Day 4: What were you most worried about as you approached your first day as a teacher?

The list is long!

Fortunately, the State of Iowa requires a mentor for the first two years of a teacher's career.  Without my mentor, I would have never been as successful as I was those first years.  However, even with my mentor safety net, I had some reservations going into that first day.

Here is a "brief" list of my worries going into that day...

1.  What if I can't keep the class under control?
2.  What if a student swears at me?
3.  What if I make a mistake in front of the class?
4.  What if I can't remember to take attendance?
5.  What if my seating chart doesn't work?
6.  What if I call a student by the wrong name?
7.  What am I doing three weeks from now in the curriculum?
8.  What if a student lost his/her schedule?
9.  Am I really going to be here in this room with 30 kids all by myself?
10.  Am I organized enough?
11.  Do I really know what I'm doing?
12.  What if they don't sit down?
13.  What if I haven't planned enough for the time we have?
14.  What if a parent calls me after the first day?
15.  Why did I take this job?

And you know what I found out?  The kids were great - and everyone sat.  And I did mess up a few names, but the world didn't come to an end, and the kids were very forgiving.  I had planned too much in the lesson and I knew what I was doing three weeks into the schedule.  All in all, I had planned for the worst and the best happened - and I had an amazing first day of teaching.

Most of all, I learned to relax, laugh and go with the flow.  When you teach eighth graders, surprises occur, things don't go as planned and mistakes happen.

It's just like life.

Day 3: In which area do you think you can improve the most?

The questions just keep getting tougher, don't they?  This one is tough because there are many areas to improve in - not that I'm doing a bad job - but you can always keep learning and honing your teaching craft.

I find that it takes me a couple times (ok, more than a couple of times) to do something to really 'get it' and execute it well.  It really can be anything - a change in classroom management practice, grading rubric, lesson planning and execution, or conferencing with parents through phone or email.  Honestly, I would like to shorten that learning curve.  I think in order to do that, several things must happen:

1.  Continue to be proactive in planning...anticipate as many bumps in the road and how to overcome those
2.  Ask more questions of colleagues in how they would handle/plan/anticipate situations and scenarios...use the multitude of experience around me.  (I think it is in this area alone, I could improve the most!)
3.  Reflect, reflect, reflect and document, document, document.
4.  Rinse and repeat.

Day 2: What Do You Believe is Your Greatest Strength as a Teacher?

This question is very tough for me because I am uncomfortable saying I'm good at something while others may not see that in me.

After thinking about this for almost the entire school day, I would have to say it is my ability to interact with students at the same level that they are.  For example, I do not feel that I am 'above' a student.  I like to have fun with them, joke with them and just accept them who and how they are...and this is so important at the 8th grade level when there is all this icky-ness surrounding them at this age.

And there is something that I like about EVERY student.  Even the ones that others don't.

Day 1: How Did You Decide to Become a Teacher?

From the age of 10, I knew that I wanted to teach.  I'm not sure if it was the 'glamour' of having a captive audience or if I just really connected with my teachers.  I'm thinking it was the latter.  My 4th grade teacher was amazing and I really remember a lot about that grade and what I learned (and the specific lessons and how they were presented).

Of course, the subject changed along the way - first, it was a band director, then a choir director, then an English teacher, and finally decided on majoring in secondary science education (because I was told that with a science teaching degree, I could get a job ANYWHERE).  (That was my 10 second career guidance I received my junior year in high school.)

So, I set my sights on the University of Northern Iowa (because if you want to teach, that's where you go...) despite my mother's pleading that I go to Luther College. (My bank account appreciated the state university decision!)

My decision to teach never wavered throughout college and after my student teaching at Marshalltown HS in 1989, I was ready to take on my own classroom.  Being engaged and my fiance' established in Des Moines, my job search was focused on Central Iowa - and very few science teaching jobs were available.

I started that fall as a substitute teacher for three districts, but being at the bottom of the sub list, I rarely got called.  Frustration set in and I stopped subbing and got a full-time retail job.  The next summer, I was applying again and I got one interview - but I did not get that job because the school also needed a head football coach.

Figuring that teaching was not in my future, I scrapped my dream and started looking for alternative employment.  I started at Norwest Banks in the fall of 1990 and spent the next 15 years climbing the corporate ladder in various companies (and the last 2/3rds in the training department) and obtained my MBA in Organizational Development in 2004.

The tides turned in early 2006, when looking for a job after being unemployed, I started subbing again to bring in some income.  I fell in love all over again with the teaching profession and realized that's what I needed to do.  I started applying for teaching jobs and was hired as an 8th grade science teacher at Waukee.

I was a first year teacher at 40 years of age.

Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

Ok, I know I started this blog to help me grieve my dad's death.  And I fully expect that there will still be posts around my grieving process.

But...I've been given a challenge and I want to take it.

As many of you know, I teach.  This has been a particularly tough year for me for many reasons and I feel the need to figure out (I mean...REALLY figure out) what the issues were.  So, a fellow educator has created a 30 day challenge to reflect on teaching.  I have accepted that challenge.

So at least for awhile, I am going to post around my reflections on teaching.   I fully expect that my comments may be controversial and at the very least, entertaining.  And hopefully, this will also help me heal in other areas, as well.

Enjoy...

I Second That Emotion

I did something after my last blogpost that I think I can finally admit to now.  No, it wasn't an illegal act or even immoral one (get your mind out of the gutter, people...), but it was life-changing for me.

You know what I did?  I cried.

Before you stop reading this and think 'what's new?' Yes, I know that I probably need to be in a 12-step program for Criers Anonymous. ("Hello, my name is Karla and I am a crier.")  I know that I cry at everything - happy things, sad things, mad things, you name it, I can produce tears like no one else. 

But this cry was different.  It was emotional AND physical.

I will spare you the trivial thing that happened to me to set me off (the proverbial 'straw that broke the camel's back' type thing), but it sent me into a rage I'm not sure I have ever experienced.  And then all hell broke loose.  I sobbed uncontrollably and I could feel the sadness and anger double me over - right in my gut.  My muscles tensed all over and my body reacted like it does when you vomit.  Except I wailed - oh, how I wailed!  And I produced an incredible amount of tears (like drown a small animal, lots of tears) - and honestly, I'm not sure what was in those tears, but they made my eyes burn as I cried them.

And along with those tears flowed anger, rage, sadness, frustration and guilt.  All the pent up emotion, all the swallowed sorrow, all the regrets and remorse flowed from me as if a dam had burst releasing the surging river to consume the land downstream.

I cried like this for the better of 30 minutes.  Non stop. And then I had a dreamless sleep.  It was the first night in a long time.

The days since then have been easier, the sun seems to shine a little bit brighter and I'm thankful for the daily routines that once bogged me down.  While I know there are still sad moments to encounter and the tears will not stop for me, I feel that I've walked through the valley and the terrifying darkness is over.  I'm walking a new path now, one of healing and peace.

Grief is Like Waterskiing

Two summers ago, we were at Clear Lake on a camping trip over Labor Day weekend.  We met some friends for a day of boating.  I was asked if I wanted to waterski, which at the time I thought I was a great idea and great fun!  Now, let me caveat that 'great idea' with the fact that I hadn't been up on skis in 20 years (but you know the whole riding a bike analogy...) and it was a windy day and the lake was very rough.

So I jumped in - I wasn't anticipating the water to be SO COLD.  Immediately, my breathing became shallow as I swam over to the other boat to get the skis and put them on.  I swam out aways from the boat and grabbed the rope, gave my "I'm ready!" wave.  The first pull of the boat pulled me right over. (Yes, I let go of the rope.) As I spat out the lake water, I was having trouble calming myself down because even though I had a ski vest on, the waves were still crashing into me, splashing water in my face.  The second pull, I ALMOST made it up, but went down again - this time underneath the surface of the water.  For a moment, I thought I was drowning - or what I thought drowning must feel like.  I got to the surface and started to hyperventilate.  The friend that was out in the water with me kept me focused and looking at him to calm me down.  On the third pull, I just let go of the rope and didn't even try.  I was done.

This story could also describe my last month.  By the way, today has been a month since my dad's death.

At first, the death experience was so new that you really think that you can get through the process without too much trouble (what was Kubler-Ross thinking anyway?!?!) - especially with a life jacket (friends and family).  Even that first week or two home, I felt that I wasn't "too bad"- I'd have some sad moments, but really felt that I was handling things.

Now I feel as I did on my 2nd try - almost getting up, being pulled under and the sensation of drowning - even with my life jacket - the waves are coming faster and are hitting me harder.  It's not just waves of grief, but the waves of apathy when I don't feel like getting out of bed or working or running my kids around; or waves of anger because I can't stand one more person asking me how I'm doing.  I can feel myself literally swallowing my grief and sadness and it sits like a rock in the pit of my stomach.  Some days (like today), I feel like hyperventilating.  I try to rise above it, but there's nothing to stand on; no one to stare at me to keep me focused.  My feet just dangle below me.

I don't want to try.  I have let go of the rope.  I am done.




 

Who Do You Think You Are?

Who do you think you are when you took my daddy away?
The cancer that came and caused all this pain.
The hope that was drained...and no one to blame.
The sadness and anger about to drive me insane.
Who do you think you are?

Who do you think you are when you tell me you know what I'm going through?
I well up with anger and tears.
I fight back the yelling and smears.
I sit back and listen and hear (and understand).
Who do you think you are?

Who do you think you are when you tell me you're sorry for my loss?
You are choked up and can't look me in the eye.
You give me a hug and make me cry.
You are my strength and give me the will to try.
Who do you think you are?

Who do you think you are when you come to support my family and I?  

You express your sympathy and love.

You tell me it's going to be ok and he's there above.

You send me a card, a plant or bring me grub.

Who do you think you are?

Who do you think you are when your life goes unchanged?
I become afraid of an unremembered life.
I wonder when you'll meet your strife.
I am sad for his grandchildren and his wife.
Who do you think you are?

Who do you think you are?

Lost in the Fog

If you've ever seen the movie Gone With the Wind, you are familiar with Scarlett's recurring dream where she is lost in a fog and frightened because she can't find her way.  Her dream actually comes true as she's running home to Rhett in the fog: lost, scared and alone.  (Then he leaves her with his famous line!)

I feel like that.  I've been running in a fog this week.

Scientifically, fog is just a low lying cloud when the dew point meets or exceeds the air temperature.  Emotionally, my grief/tears (dew point) is meeting or exceeding my ability to deal with my reality/existence (air temperature).  It's created a fog in my head.

Granted, some days are better than others, but it's causing me to forget things.  I've started every class with "Remind me what we did last time we met..."  Let me caveat that with the fact that I see my students every other day, (but still...).  I went to meetings this week not knowing what the meetings were about and just kind of muddled through.  I drive places and can't recall having been there.  I walk through the halls with this look about me.  I can't describe the look, but the way people look at me and react to me, I know that I must have a different look to me.  I'm having trouble remembering names.  I'm misplacing things.

Ok, I'll admit...I turn 45 at the end of this month, so the forgetfulness may just be me just getting to middle age.  It may be that I'm overscheduled and running kids around.  It may be that I'm "mom" and "dad" this week because my husband is working late every night on a job.

But I don't think so...because in the midst of this fog...this forgetfulness...I also feel lost and frightened. 

And soon, people's patience with me and my grief will wane and their response to my fog and forgetfulness may be, "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn."

Ladies and Gentlemen, Now Presenting...Guilt

Guilt has officially moved in.  He gave me no warning, no downpayment, no security deposit.  He just showed up at my doorstep today and walked on in.

Maybe it's the beginning of the depression phase.

Elisabeth Kubler-Ross wrote a book back in the late '60s called On (Of?) Death and Dying.  She identified five stages of grief:  Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. She doesn't mention guilt...but I wonder if it's part of that depression phase.

You might be asking what the heck do I have to feel guilty about?  Well, I guess plenty...because the list is long.

I feel guilty that my dad suffered for a long time (looking back in retrospect, he had been in pain for at least 3-4 months) and we had no idea.

I feel guilty that my mom was his sole caregiver until Hospice.  She told me things last week that she had to do for Dad over the last 10 months and I had NO idea.

And because of these two things...I feel guilty I didn't help out more...visited more...called more. 

I feel guilty that I didn't get school work done while I was home for two weeks and that my students' learning may have suffered because of my absence.

I feel guilty that my daughter missed a birthday slumber party and my son had to miss his vocal recital.

I feel guilty that my husband had to be both "Mom" and "Dad" for two weeks...and all the responsibilities that come with those roles.

Most of all, I feel guilty for having the guilt - because guilt turns into regrets.  My motto is to live with no regrets.  (And up until this point, my only regret was not attending my Senior Prom...oh, and breaking up with a high school boyfriend my junior year. (sorry, Matt!))

I am thankful I had a week home with Dad before he passed - but in order to be thankful for that time - I have guilt over items that did not get done at home and school.  So how is it that you can be thankful, have guilt and regrets over the same time frame?  How frustrating...

I wonder how long guilt signed the rental agreement for?  Hopefully, it was a month to month lease...and not a year commitment.

Grief is the Word...

Grief is an interesting thing.  It affects me in different ways at different times, so I am never prepared for it or my reaction.  I wonder how many more types of grief or the many reactions I may have...

Waves.  Sometimes grief hits me in waves - I literally can feel it roll over my body, just like being in the ocean when a wave of water comes over you, and I become very sad and scared - almost like being homesick when I was young.

Rollercoaster.  It's the only way to describe the ebb and flow of feelings that I get when this type of grief hits me.  I'm ecstatically happy and then my emotions drop so suddenly almost to a deep sadness or depression.  Typically, I will be very social or excitable with someone and then I will turn around and snap at the same person, then the emotions level out again.

Controlling.  The grief doesn't control me, but somehow I need to control things in order for the grief not to control me.  Here's an example:  When we got home Sunday, I went into a cleaning frenzy.  My husband kept telling me to sit down and rest, but I just couldn't.  I had to keep cleaning.  Finally, he came up to hug me and just held me.  He asked me to please sit down and stop it.  I responded that I clean because it's one thing I can control.  I haven't been able to control my many other circumstances lately.

Overwhelmed.  This type of grief hit me a lot during the visitation and funeral service.  It was always brought on by someone who came to the event that I was not expecting - and it was overwhelming.  And so much so, that I would break down and sob.  It may have been an old friend, or someone who traveled from the Des Moines area - like a best friend or someone from school or my church. 

The experiences are so new, so unexpected that for a brief moment, I think that I must be going crazy.  Then I realize that I'm not alone - I'm not the only one to experience grief; I'm not the only one who has lost a father...and then somehow in those thoughts...I am comforted.

Ashes to Ashes; Dust to Dust

From the Earth we were born...and to the Earth we shall return.

We buried my dad in the town where he was born, grew up and attended school.  And it's the town I lived in until I was two years old.  We drove by that corner house where I lived before the service and as we were doing that, I had a sudden recollection of a memory where I had walked to the corner and got scared and ran back to my dad.  He picked me up and lifted me to his shoulder.  I was safe from all harm that was beyond that corner.

We waited until the weekend, so we would have more time to make the trip there.  From where I live, it's a four hour drive.  It was a great plan...just what he wanted, to be back in the town he loved so much.  He was buried next to his grandmother and grandfather and in close proximity to his in-laws (my grandparents).

My dad was cremated.  His urn was darker oak with a country scene carved in the side.  A large oak tree along side a country road bordered by a fence (two wooden beams between two posts) leading to the sunset (or sunrise...depending on your perspective).  Mom was adamant that we would not put the urn directly into the ground, so we had an urn vault.

We spent a day figuring out what we should bury with Dad in that vault.  Here's the list for your enjoyment...

1.  My dad collected toy tractors.  We placed the toy replica of the first tractor that Dad ever drove (it was an Allis Chalmers...orange).
2.  My dad worked in auto parts for 51 years.  Most of those years for Ford Motor Company.  We placed a Ford can koozie.  And the newspaper article that featured him and his career.
3.  My dad loved Coca-Cola (classic).  We had a replica of a Coke can in the koozie.
4.  My dad loved music and he knew everything about music (artist, label, chart date, etc.) and would quote the stats relentlessly.  We placed the Billboard Top 1000 singles from 1955-1986 book.
5.  My dad loved Andre Rieu and his Johann Strauss Orchestra.  We saw them in concert three times...we met members of the orchestra.  We placed a picture of Andre and the song list from the last concert.
6.  My dad loved to play games and cards.  We placed a deck of cards (and just happened to be Andre Rieu too).
7.  My dad loved his family.  We placed a family picture from last Christmas.
8.  Finally...personal notes and pictures from the grandkids, mom and good friends.

The burial was lovely and filled with love from family and friends and it fit Dad to a tee.  What I didn't anticipate was my angst when we had to leave him behind.  I felt like that little girl again, letting go of my dad's hand and toddling out on my own, except he wasn't there to run back to and be lifted up on his shoulder.

The New Normal

I've been here too long...I'm getting antsy. 

I keep thinking that I can't wait to get back home and have things get back to normal.  And then I pause...

Because normal isn't normal anymore.  We have the New Normal.

I had to leave Mom's house today for awhile to travel to another visitation in New Hampton.  A church friend of mine passed away from cancer the same day Dad did (death comes in threes, people).  And when I got home, I looked at the chair in the living room that Dad sits in and I wondered for a millisecond where he was.  I chuckled and wondered to myself how long I'm going to do that?

Or what my reaction will be when Mom will walk in the door at my house in Waukee and I will look for Dad?

Or the first time I talk on the phone with Mom after I'm back home and will absent-mindedly say, "make sure you tell Dad 'hi' from us" like I always have done and then will feel bad that I made that slip up.

I wonder what card I will buy for him for Father's Day before I realize I can't send it?

Or the birthday gift that I will think that he absolutely has to have and then realize he's not there to receive it.

I wonder if I'll be able to listen to Christmas music anymore from my childhood that Dad likes or cry while we open presents because he's not there to meticulously open them - one piece of tape at a time.

The New Normal will suck for awhile...until it becomes...normal.

Gone From My Sight

I want to make a shameless plug for a great book that we were introduced to while my dad was in Hospice care.  It's more like a pamphlet (a quick read anyway...) and it walks you through the process of dying.  (It's listed below.)

And dying is a process...

In fact, when I was witnessing Dad's death, my intellectual side of my brain kicked in and I became facinated at what the human body does when it's dying.  Dying in itself is a miracle - just as the process of birth is a miracle.  I hope that you experience and witness dying some day...it changes you...I think...well, I guess you'll all see when I return to my life in Waukee. 

_{The Hospice Foundation of America: The Dying Process: A Guide for Caregivers
Barbara Karnes: Gone From My Sight: The Dying Experience}

Signs, Signs, Everywhere the Signs...

There have been signs all around me during this process of my dad's death.  I should know better to pay attention...and on some level, I think I was...but that denial thing kept me from understanding on a deeper level.

Some people must see it to believe it and others must believe it to see it.  I see myself in the latter category especially when it comes to my faith and when Jesus is trying to communicate with me.  I know that I was in denial about my dad's death when I first came home...and it wasn't until I was called home for his final 24 hours that I believed he was dying.

For instance, when I first came home that first Saturday (3/12), I went to afternoon Mass at St. Joe's.  I picked up a lenten meditation book on my way out and the lenten theme was "I Will Give You Rest".  Dad entered Hospice on Ash Wednesday.  He died on a Friday...granted, not Good Friday, but the parallels are there.

Today after the funeral service, I grabbed a coffee cup from the cupboard.  It happened to be one of those cups that had "Mark" on it and then a description of the meaning of his name.  He's had the cup for many years (at least 20) and I've used it many times before.  I read the side of the cup before pouring my coffee.  It said:  Mark, meaning "brave".  I'll admit, I never saw my dad as brave before, but I do now.  These last 10 months as he battled his 3rd bout of lymphoma (and this time in the brain), were some of the most taxing moments of his life.  He never complained and he never showed us how much he was hurting...although I think back on how much pain he must have been in.

I wonder and look forward to the signs I will encounter going forward.  I think about how close our loved ones are - and while we cannot see them, we will look for the signs and know that they are there.

The Proverbial Question...

Today, the proverbial question is... would you rather die suddenly (like a car accident, heart attack, etc.) or would you rather die lengthy (like an illness)?

Prior to experiencing my dad's illness and death, I would have found pros and cons for either side and would not have been able to give you an answer either way.  (By the way, I'm notorious for that...)

After experiencing my dad's illness and death, I've made up my mind.

And I choose lengthy.  And here's why...

Death is usually scary for many of us and we fear it.  As we grow older, we know that death is a part of life and regardless of our faith and spirituality, we know we will die and what comes after we cross from life to death...well, that's up to you and how you live your life.  (but that's another post...for another time.)

If you are taken suddenly...I agree that it is easier on the person who dies.  It's quick, you don't suffer, etc.  But for those left behind...death becomes the enemy, death is hated.  Death has taken our loved one and we most likely don't get to say good-bye.  And as humans, I don't believe we really like it when something is done TO us.  Well, at least I don't.

But if you are taken lengthy...it most definitely is hard and painful.  The person dying suffers, we suffer, everyone suffers.  But now Death becomes like a friend, it is welcomed, we pray for it, we hope for it...it is in dying that the person no longer suffers...and those left behind, we get to say our good-byes.  Death becomes something FOR us.

And yes, I said it.

Saying Goodbye

Death is a funny thing.  Or at least it creates funny situations.

We knew we were down to hours.  I told Dad good-bye this morning...Mom told him to go this afternoon.  It wasn't until my sister said good-bye about 4:00 that he started to let go.

I was enroute from the hospital pharmacy picking up meds for the weekend.  My sister called about 4:15 to ask where I was.  I was stuck in traffic on 1st Avenue in front of Lindale Mall.  She said to hurry, that he was going.  Not much I could do in rush hour traffic with construction.

She called again at 4:25 - I was on 7th Avenue turning on to 10th Street.  She said she was putting the phone to Dad's ear so I could talk to him.  I'm talking to him and telling him it was ok to go that he didn't need to wait for me.  I could hear my Mom and my sister in the background - they were telling him to hang on until I got home.  So, the poor guy is caught between all of us telling him what to do.

I got home at 4:30...and up to the bedroom where he was.  We were standing around him - holding his hands and telling him it was ok and that he needed to go.  We were telling him it was all going to be ok.  He'd take a shallow breath and then nothing.  We'd hold our own breath...then...he would take another.  This went on for what seemed like an eternity.  He was going to go on his own regardless of what we were telling him.  It was comical...and he was stubborn.

Finally...he took his last breath.  It was peace.

He is home.

Dignity Schmignity...

The thing that I was not prepared for was the loss of dignity.  I think even more than the "death thing" - I will grieve this loss for a long time.

You realistically look at the situation - and you think, "well, duh...of course he can't change himself, go to the bathroom by himself, bathe himself, etc."  But it doesn't hit you what this really MEANS until you experience it.

When you diaper and bathe and roll and feed and wipe phlegm from your parent and they have no capacity to help you.  Dad was literally "dead weight" (no pun intended) - he had lost all function in his arms and legs two weeks ago.  It just broke my heart to see him just lying there.  My empathy kicked in and I kept thinking how he must feel (or how I would feel if I traded places with him).  I felt embarrassed and angry.  And yet, Dad expresses no emotion.

I will never take my dignity for granted again.  And I worry for my kids who may have to do this for me someday.  And I think that Kevorkian was on the right track...(did I just really say THAT?!?!?)

Have you kissed a Hospice Nurse lately?

I am amazed by everyone who works with, for or along side of Hospice.  In fact, whoever thought up the concept of Hospice is GENIUS.

Especially the nurses.  This is a job I could NOT do.

They have to deal with people dying and their dysfunctional families (spouses, daughters, sons, sisters, brothers, parents, etc.).  They have to deal with denial, tears, anger, denial, more denial and even more denial.  (We're dealing with a bit of denial...)

They massage and clean and change and powder and lotion and wipe and clothe.

Oh, and the smell.

I mean really, when a person is dying they smell.  Ok, I said it.  I mean really, they get sponge baths, but the teeth aren't getting flossed or brushed and usually (ok, most likely) the patient has to be diapered.  Yes, you can go there.  I'll deal with the dignity issue in another post...

The nurses deal with it - every day with multiple patients.  They are CARING and gentle and treat the patient so kind and their caring is a labor of love.  And boy, are they efficient - no move or action is wasted.  Often they are dealing with patients who are in constant pain.

So thank you Melissa, Kim, Annette, Jodie and Tracy (and anyone else I may have forgotten that takes care of my Dad in this process).  You all have secured a place in Heaven.

My Catharsis

I had to start this blog for my peace of mind.  This is my first entry.  There will be lots of them.  Some will be happy, sad, angry, bitchy and all other emotions you can think of.

You see, my dad is dying.

Instead of taking my verbal diarrhea out on my husband, I'm going to take it out on this blog.  Sorry, if it pisses you off, then don't read it.

Did I really just say that?