Ladies and Gentlemen, Now Presenting...Guilt

Guilt has officially moved in.  He gave me no warning, no downpayment, no security deposit.  He just showed up at my doorstep today and walked on in.

Maybe it's the beginning of the depression phase.

Elisabeth Kubler-Ross wrote a book back in the late '60s called On (Of?) Death and Dying.  She identified five stages of grief:  Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. She doesn't mention guilt...but I wonder if it's part of that depression phase.

You might be asking what the heck do I have to feel guilty about?  Well, I guess plenty...because the list is long.

I feel guilty that my dad suffered for a long time (looking back in retrospect, he had been in pain for at least 3-4 months) and we had no idea.

I feel guilty that my mom was his sole caregiver until Hospice.  She told me things last week that she had to do for Dad over the last 10 months and I had NO idea.

And because of these two things...I feel guilty I didn't help out more...visited more...called more. 

I feel guilty that I didn't get school work done while I was home for two weeks and that my students' learning may have suffered because of my absence.

I feel guilty that my daughter missed a birthday slumber party and my son had to miss his vocal recital.

I feel guilty that my husband had to be both "Mom" and "Dad" for two weeks...and all the responsibilities that come with those roles.

Most of all, I feel guilty for having the guilt - because guilt turns into regrets.  My motto is to live with no regrets.  (And up until this point, my only regret was not attending my Senior Prom...oh, and breaking up with a high school boyfriend my junior year. (sorry, Matt!))

I am thankful I had a week home with Dad before he passed - but in order to be thankful for that time - I have guilt over items that did not get done at home and school.  So how is it that you can be thankful, have guilt and regrets over the same time frame?  How frustrating...

I wonder how long guilt signed the rental agreement for?  Hopefully, it was a month to month lease...and not a year commitment.