The thing that I was not prepared for was the loss of dignity. I think even more than the "death thing" - I will grieve this loss for a long time.
You realistically look at the situation - and you think, "well, duh...of course he can't change himself, go to the bathroom by himself, bathe himself, etc." But it doesn't hit you what this really MEANS until you experience it.
When you diaper and bathe and roll and feed and wipe phlegm from your parent and they have no capacity to help you. Dad was literally "dead weight" (no pun intended) - he had lost all function in his arms and legs two weeks ago. It just broke my heart to see him just lying there. My empathy kicked in and I kept thinking how he must feel (or how I would feel if I traded places with him). I felt embarrassed and angry. And yet, Dad expresses no emotion.
I will never take my dignity for granted again. And I worry for my kids who may have to do this for me someday. And I think that Kevorkian was on the right track...(did I just really say THAT?!?!?)
Been there! So much of what you said in this post, I've thought before. So sad for your loss. Strange that I was just thinking about you and your father and than I opened my Facebook and your post and Steve's posts were there. I'm praying for you and your family. What a blessing that you were on spring break and could spend time with your parents during the last few days.
ReplyDeleteBrenda D